found a bug

Ever seen someone drop 50 points and hit a half-court shot to send the game to overtime. And the team still loses?

I don’t know what’s bugging me lately, but the last, i dunno, maybe month or so, haven’t been all that great, to put it mildy. Although it’s not like i have any major issues or anything. Strange. Perhaps it’s knowing that i haven’t experienced anything major–good or bad–in a while…kinda been in a rut for a long while, and just realizing it now. Maybe that’s it. The best way to describe that feeling is that even if you had everything you wanted in life, you still wouldn’t be ‘happy’ (we’re not talking about feeling satisfied, that would be a much easier situation to deal with). That Happiness is unattainable. And in those rare moments where you ‘feel’ happy, after a short while you convince yourself (a conscious decision?) that it’s all one big %#$! tease. I think the idealistic/optimistic side of me is in constant battle with the realistic/pessimistic side…and the realistic/pessimistic side has been winning. Constantly weighing the odds of this or that occurring, deliberating between freedom of choice versus fate, etc.

Some things really just bug the hell out of me (that is much too complicated to add here). Life’s strange twists, cruel ironies, etc.

I think a lot of my goals are different from those of most people. For instance, I don’t necessarily feel like I need to get married or have kids in my lifetime. I’ve seen enough screwed up kids and failed marriages. Or living in a nice, big house. Have a well-paid job in a respectable field. I really could give a shit about those things. It’s not that i’m not ambitious, it’s just that i don’t want to be a fool and fall for things that are mere facades. I guess like with most people, I just want to be happy. But how does one attain happiness?

Maybe I just need another vacation.