For the rest of 2010 and next year, I’ll be spending much of my leisure time outside of work, studying the works of Tolstoy and F. Chopin. 2010 marks the centennial anniversary of Tolstoy’s death and the bicentennial anniversary of Chopin’s birth. One of my regrets in college was not signing up for either of the quarter-long classes on War & Peace and Anna Karenina. I think reading works of literary realism and its central themes of one’s struggles (social, personal, spiritual), morality, etc, would do me some good at this stage of my life & career. Because I have self-diagnosed myself as having ADHD, I’ll start with his short stories and essays before tackling his larger works.

Still working on the Chopin Etudes Op. 25. I’m hoping I have fewer distractions this time around. It’s good that at my new residence, I’ll have an actual piano to practice on, which should help things along. My hope is that I can reach a level where I’ll be able to think about the music from the composer’s point-of-view/intent, but also be able to play the piece differently on a sunny day versus on a rainy day. Maybe I’ll make a recording of each etude after I’ve learned it.

a blurb about investments

I should preface this post by stating that I am in no way responsible or for how you choose to invest your money. That said, today I sold my remaining taxable mutual funds, to help pay off my student loans (yay, i’m officially debt free!). Not touching my retirement accounts though. Cashing out now after months of crawling back to close to pre-financial crisis levels is pretty much a no-brainer, considering that student loans these days have a higher interest rate (4.5-7%) than stock returns on average.

My investment philosophy for the most part hasn’t changed much. If I had more dough, I’d still be continuing with my passive investment approach (i.e., buying mostly index mutual funds w/ low fees). However, at this stage in my life, cash is king and I believe there are better types of investments out there. I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that the behavior of the stock market is out of one’s control. I’d rather invest in things that I have more control over. Such as Formal education, furthering one’s skills, or learning a new trade. Ironically, this is coming from someone who was initially skeptical about the value of graduate school just two years earlier. Now two years wiser, I believe that while one’s still young, the best investment one can make is to invest in him or herself (and others too). Go back to school and get an advanced degree/degree or learn new skills to make yourself more competitive out there on the job market. Don’t believe the hogwash about buying a house to make money (it depends on one’s financial situation and opportunity costs) or your prospects of beating the stock market. Go get better and try to help others along the way.

dumbing down

I love it how those in positions of power or influence (conservatives and liberals alike) like to dumb down key issues.  Take for instance, the debate over stem cell research.  You have one side saying that it’s immoral and the other side saying that it’s very practical and necessary. 

If only things were that easy to figure out…

Suppose that one’s against stem cell research…..if one day that person has disease X and the only cure is through stem cell therapy in another country (that allows stem cell research), would that person consider making the trip? 

Just because someone watched Terminator 2 and learned how to say “Hasta La Vista!”, does that mean that he speaks Spanish? I think it’s funny, both the frequency and the extent to which people would pad their life resumes.

Is “Competitiveness” a strength or a weakness?

currently listening to: Andras Schiff playing Mendelssohn’s Songs Without Words (selected)

While reading the Businessweek “Competition” Issue, I wondered how I measured up to my peers in terms of “competitiveness”.  Here’s what I know about myself (based on my experiences):

1.  I’m not very good playing second fiddle; i need to be el maestro. 

2.  I like to study people’s intentions, desires, and fears.  In short, I enjoy applying game theory to practically everything I do.  I believe these are essential for effective negotiating and understanding people. 

3.  Nothing motivates me more than when another underestimates me (I make them regret it).  Controlled anger can be a powerful force.  I’m usually at my best under those circumstances and believe me, nothing is more inspirational than the thought of my slighters/doubters wiping their own dung off their faces. 

4.  I’m not sure if this was by chance or what, but I don’t remember ever getting picked on by a bully.  There may have been non-bullies who tried to pick on me, but usually I got them to cut it out :)  

5.  You can’t put me on a hand (don’t even try).  I’ve had people tell me that they can ‘read’ me, but so far, those who’ve made such a claim have lost huge pots against me shortly afterwards. 

For the record, the above is simply my way of motivating myself to keep improving.  

I would rate myself a 9.5 out of 10 for ‘competitiveness’.  But is that necessarily a good thing? 

the fatalist’s dilemma

I don’t know what inspired this idea. Perhaps it’s from reading this Chinese proverb: Before you decide to play a game, 1) know the rules, 2) know the stakes, 3) know the quitting time.

Here are the rules: I’m going to study hard for the GMATs, work diligently on my applications and apply to 5 different Business schools before January 1 of next year.
Here are the stakes: If I am lucky enough to get accepted to one or more of these schools, then I’ll matriculate in fall of 2007. However, if I don’t get into any of these schools, then that means it just wasn’t meant to be. I’ll then move to Las Vegas on August 15th, 2007 to become a professional gambler. No regrets and no turning back.

I haven’t decided whether to play this game or not, but it’s quite appealing in certain respects. If anything, it’s a good motivational tool to really work hard to achieve a goal. Despite all the drama, it’s not all that different from other situations that ordinary people face at their work or at home. “To play or not to play”–is not really a question, but a rehash of things already said and done.

And for the record, I believe in ‘fate’ more than I do in ‘choice’.

What is this thing called “Happiness”?

Something’s been bugging me lately, though I’m not exactly sure what it is.  Maybe I got it from watching this news clip on TV a few days ago about a new class at Harvard on “Happiness”.  One student interviewed said that before taking the class, she was preparing for a career in law.  However, after taking the course, she realized she wants to do clinical psychology because helping others is important to her and plus she’s good at it.  

As for my situation, I believe I’m just going with the motions and one of my principal fears is that one day I’ll wake up and realize I just wasted a good chunk of my life on something that I really don’t care about.  I don’t like the idea of having to BS my application essays and interviews (hopefully, my poker face will carry over…) or fulfilling other people’s expectations of me (let’s face it, for most of us, other people’s expectations often become one’s own).  It’s like living a big lie.  

So what’s important to me, then?  Is it power/prestige/authority?  Probably not.   No, because I know that with more power and prestige, a lot of phony people will try to befriend you.  You might even get more date prospects….The end result is that either you’ll fool yourself into believing that it’s because people genuinely like you for who you are (which is why they act the way they do), or become cynical/distrustful of others.  You’ll start overanalyzing people’s behavior–trying to figure out their true intentions.  You might be right  99 times out of 100, but maybe that one time you struck out on, may have been a potential true comrade/friend/etc.  Sometimes you wish that your read on people is incorrect, but when you start sensing that it’s pretty accurate, it can be quite disconcerting.  

a different view

my lack of recent posts belie the activity of some things.  Last Friday, I learned that my former coworker passed away ‘peacefully’.  While it’s no doubt sad to hear, it’s also a sigh of relief in that he doesn’t have to feel pain anymore.  His family can now bring closure to this difficult period in their lives and start the healing process (I don’t in this case, the grieving started when it was learned that he would only have a few months to live.)

Today was very blah.  After work, I went straight to the funeral home to attend the viewing (the sun/moon had something to do with it–and no, i’m not superstitious).  This being my first ‘wake’/'viewing’, I seemed a bit out of place with my white button-up shirt (though I was wearing black pants).  It’s interesting how different cultures wear different colors that must symbolize something.  Some wear red, some black, and some white.  To me, it makes the most sense to wear white.  Black is just too drab and why depress yourself anymore than you have to? At least I wasn’t in jeans (today was jean and sneaker day at work).  At the viewing, they had a video collage of his life with some Sinatra and some nameless music for background.  Perhaps it’s due to my inexperience with this, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit weird about the whole thing.  I’m just not a big fan of funerals to begin with.  And I don’t understand the point of ‘viewing’ the corpse.  I asked someone afterwards why they show the corpse, and they said it was to dignify them.  Well, IMO, if you want to show dignity, you close the casket.  At my funeral, I sure hope it’s closed casket.

It’s pretty weird to have to think about what your funeral’s going to be like.  But I guess you gotta start thinking at some point.  When I saw the email at work informing everyone that a former coworker passed away, I remember thinking, “I wonder if he wants people to know.”   Maybe I’m just weird, but I might actually prefer to go quietly and be forgotten than to have everyone talk about my death.

I was asked to play piano at the funeral.  However, the funeral service is at the same time as the masterclass that I’ll be performing at (i had a premonition that this would happen).
Right after the viewing, I went to Dr. Rebecca Penneys (Professor at Eastman and recording artist) recital and thought some more about the viewing, about performing tomorrow at 10am in the same auditorium, and of course, the music (Schubert’s Moment Musicaux, Mompou, Mozart, etc).  I have to wake up early tomorrow to play for Dr. Penneys the Chopin Etude (Op. 25, No. 12) at the masterclass–I feel my hands perspiring as I’m typing this.  On Monday, Dr. N allowed me to practice in the auditorium on the 10′ Steinway.  It was a neat experience to say the least though the fact that the keys were incredibly difficult to press down and the dynamic range being limited (in other words, the piano’s great for Mozart, Schubert, etc, but for fast and loud pieces, it can be potentially disastrous).  I’m going to have to slow down the tempo just a tad when I perform tomorrow.  You know what, I don’t really care how many wrong notes I play (there’s bound to be a few here and there) as I’m going to let my hair down.  I believe that it’s better to make a few mistakes here and there, but make the instrument sing rather than play noteperfect but all flat.

Just remember to bring out the melodic contours of the piece, dynamic ranges, the accented notes, use your upper arm (to create the ‘basic rhythm). Your hands should be flat and to bend your wrists sideways at the top/bottom notes.

Today was definitely not one of my better days (there were some other things that I left out here).  Whether they [the audience] like it or not, they’re going to hear about it tomorrow.

13 conversations with myself

Thirteen Conversations About One Thing (2002) is one of those films that makes the obvious seem profound. No, I didn’t mean that the last couple hours would’ve been better spent doing nothing, but by my choice of words and its arrangement, you probably read my first sentence to mean that I viewed the film as an imposture when I actually thought it quite, uh, what’s the word I’m lacking, clever? Which I gather is the central theme of the movie: phenomenological ontology. The metaphors used (e.g., winning lottery ticket, the purchase of a sports car signifying midlife crisis, guilt in its varied forms, Newtonian physics–including the fourth law relating to entropy, social settings such as a pub) are rather predictable, but how the story’s told makes the movie worth the [deleted funny, yet implicating phrase]. So everyone is connected in some way–at least more than we realize. Would it be an oversimplification of our 13 conversations by saying that the infinite possibilities of outcomes is the summation of all the different people and things in the world and the element of time (what if everyone was thinking the same thing at the same time?). From a scene in the movie, I wondered what’s the significance of two people being at the same physical location but have different reasons for being there (for example, a bar patron may be there to drown his sorrows, whereas another may be there to celebrate)? A couple lines resonate from the move: “Faith is the antithesis of proof”, and “May you get what you want.” So Mr. Sartre, is Nothingness really not the antithesis of Being? Fuck guilt, I’m just too tired rigth nwo.

the folly of understanding art/music

The most skilled surgeon on the planet can’t operate (the procedure that only he can pull off) on himself. What makes one think he can get inside an artist/musician’s head, then?